Mike Woodford

Former concubine and St. Thomas Ward 3 Hula Hoop champion, Mike Woodford suffered a career-ending bowel displacement injury. No longer able to hula without leakage, he turned to music. As a idiot-savant of the panpipes, he strived to be cast as Tewt in every live musical adaptation of the 1963 Canadian children's cartoon "The Mighty Hercules". He failed. His frustration led to him screaming at police outside doughnut shops which led to the phrase, "The Cruller Knows Only Cruelty". He realized he found his true purpose. The doughnut-hole in his life was filled.